A Little About Relationships
Updated: Jan 10, 2020
The mechanics of a relationship are relatively straightforward; people on the other hand can be a little more complex.
For the sake of argument, I’m going to substitute the word relationship here for partnership, at least for now.
Because when you set out looking for love or you find yourself maintaining an existing relationship, a partnership is essentially what it is.
There are three fundamental elements to any successful partnership.
First, your own life (and identity) as an individual person
Secondly, the individual life (and identity) of the other
Thirdly, your life (and identity) together
These are three parts independent of each other that should really work well together for any partnership to ultimately flourish.
For any partnership to even exist you need to be present in it, so being yourself in the truest sense is really a key component.
For if you’re masking your own reality trying to live up to something you’re not, then in effect, YOU, the real YOU, is actually absent.
And without YOU, there can be no partnership.
This also applies to your partner – you also want them there, you want all of them present and you should BOTH ultimately want the best for each other.
Building your life together is where things tend to get a little tricky.
From my own experience working with people, there seems to be a tendency that, ‘you shouldn’t have to compromise’ or ‘settle’ for less than what you want or feel you deserve.
To a certain extent, I at least agree with the compromise part, but I think viewing it this way is fundamentally flawed.
The issue is not an issue of compromise, but rather an issue of commitment.
To what extent are you willing to commit, is the real question
What sacrifices are you willing to make and what hardships are you willing to endure in order to make it work?
Is this person worth it and what's the right thing for me to do (not the easy thing).
So my personal view tends to lean towards not going into a potential partnership thinking about what you want necessarily or how this person may fulfil you, but rather about what are you willing and able to give and how can you fulfil them?
When I talk of love, I talk of selflessness, putting the others needs and wants before my own.
I know many would disagree with me on that and that’s ok.
This of course is the most powerful in a partnership when it’s being reciprocated; because it’s the reciprocal nature of selfless love that offers the balance needed for a partnership to flourish into a relationship.
Further to this, I don't believe that a relationship is something to be achieved, but rather something that grows, adapts and evolves over time, it’s not a destination to be reached but rather an enduring dance, a kind of revelation.
And as they say, it takes two to Tango!
Relationships (to me) are not at all about maintaining your independence, that would be selfish and naïve in my opinion.
Nor are they about being completely dependant, that would be dis-empowering and limiting
But more rather about nurturing a relationship built on mutual respect and a sense of ‘inter-dependence’.
So you don't lose yourselves, but rather support and compliment each other as you go, the best way you possibly can.
So if you’re looking for a partner, how then do you start?
You might want to start by getting your own ego out of the way first.
Finding a mate can be daunting, the very real likelihood of experiencing ‘rejection’ goes straight to the core of your nature; it’s linked to your survival instinct and this is powerful and very difficult to overcome.
But like any fear, the only way to overcome it, is to expose your self to it.
And as we all know, a healthy dose of confidence, can be very attractive!
So in essence, trying to find a mate is to accept the very real possibility that you may actually experience rejection.
Which means accepting and dealing with your vulnerabilities.
Then it’s about developing your own character, a deeper awareness of your self, of others and your fundamental beliefs about the world around you - so you are able to navigate your way through this part of your life a little more skilfully.
There’s obviously a little more to it, but I’ll leave that for another time – but feel free to reach out if relationships are something you’re currently trying to navigate.